


Butterfly's Thoughts: Romance

by chrisemrys



Series: DGM Events [14]
Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Aromantic, Aromantic Lenalee is in the fourth drabble, Drabbles, F/F, F/M, First one has polyamory and one of the relation is queerplatonic, Lenalee's thoughts, Lenalove 2018, Multi, Polyamory, Queerplatonic Relationships, Romance, There are four drabbles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-01
Updated: 2018-09-01
Packaged: 2019-07-05 10:18:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15861657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chrisemrys/pseuds/chrisemrys
Summary: A little visit in Lenalee's thoughts on the subject of romance. Written for Lenalove 2018!





	1. Kanda, Lavi and Allen

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!
> 
> This was written a few weeks ago for Lenalove 2018, but I ended up busy with other things and forgot to post it here and on FFnet. There was three days with one theme each, which were Friendship, Family and Romance. I am posting Friendship and Family as one story, though the friendship's drabble is a stand alone and so is the family one. The same way, relations are friendship/platonic in Friendship, while in Family, they are obviously familial.  
> The Romance drabbles will have their own story each on FFnet (as I can only tag four characters so I wouldn't be able to tag all of them), while on AO3 it will be one story with a chapter for each romance's drabble (since I can tag all characters and relations).
> 
> As tags mention, the fourth drabble is from the persepctive of aromantic Lenalee, though it can also work as a Lenalee that simply does not feel she needs romance (regardless of whether or not she is aromantic). Otherwise, the drabbles are my main and fave ships for her. I do love monogamous Lavi/Lenalee, Allen/Lenalee and Kanda/Lenalee (though generally I see it as queerplatonic), but I kind of adore even more the OT4 polyship. And yes, I otherwise adore Lenalee's ships with other woman, especially Lou Fa (I blame a friend of mine) and Road.
> 
> Fun fact: I also ship Alma/Lenalee, but I did not find inspiration to write something. I can see them bonding by sharing a friendship with Kanda (which can also make an OT3).
> 
> I hope you appreciate!

Part of Lenalee had not believed she would have the heart to feel romantic affection, and yet she had been proven wrong. Three times.

The first had been Kanda, however, she could not tell if it really was romantic, and neither could Kanda. In fact, it had never truly occurred to them to wonder, up until Lavi entered the picture. While Kanda and Lenalee grew up together, they soon realized siblings did not apply to them, and yet their closeness did not feel romantic.

They had never truly spoken about it, but Lenalee could still recall all the times she sought safety in Kanda's dojo. She could still recall the first time Kanda held her in his arms, soothing her from a break down after she first saw a friend die.

She could see in her mind, how it became something they both sought, to simply lay together, or sit so close their side touched. The first time they kissed, it was chaste, Lenalee had seen something in Kanda's eyes that betrayed he was thinking hurtful thoughts, and she had placed a hand on his cheek, and a kiss on his lips.

It was another little habit they shared after this day, cheek kiss and forehead ones, chaste kisses when they needed reassurance someone cared.

When they met Lavi, and Lenalee started to feel fondness for the red haired, she had not been certain what to do. Should Kanda and her speak, define their relationship? Should she even act on the warmth that was forming when she was with Lavi?

However, for a while, nothing happened. Lavi slipped himself, expression softening, one hand on a shoulder in comfort, even one arm around her shoulders. Compliments would sometimes leave his lips, just soft enough to convey genuineness.

In the end, none of them had the courage to take a step forward, not when they all knew death could await them. Yet, an understanding formed between the three of them, and sometimes, when it felt really hard, Lenalee would find herself laying between Lavi and Kanda, feeling safe and protected with the casual closeness.

It was Allen that unpurposefully prompted her, and all of them, to fully communicate. Mutual fondness had formed between he and Lenalee, however as she realized how much she was growing to care, she also noticed that Allen seemed to backtrack whenever he showed something that was not simple friendship.

One day, Lenalee could not help it, and rather than let it slide when Allen walled himself after giving her such a soft smile and warm look, she touched his cheek with her hand, watching the wall fall back right away from the surprise.

_I care about you, Allen;_ she had admitted in a soft voice.

Emotions had swirled in his eyes, and then hesitantly, a little lost, he told her, _Aren't I coming in between you and Lavi?_

The surprise had soon shifted to understanding, and then Lenalee had breathed out a laugh. _I think it's time I speak with him and Kanda, and with you._

The shocked look on Allen's face when his mind seemed to make sense of what she suggested had been lovely, Lenalee decided, especially mixed with the light hope in his silver eyes.

And then it had all fallen into places. Lavi and Kanda had not been blind, and they had long ago accepted they were both important to her. Allen had already fallen into their dynamics without realizing, but now, he knew he did not need to restrain his affection. Just like Lavi. Kanda did not change, they had always known it was not quite romance between them, but he was still her partner.

Still, Lenalee had hoped Komui had more or less guessed, he had always seemed to eye the three boys in a way that made her think he had realized.

They were proven wrong when they were laying down for a bit, all cuddled, and heard the shriek. Or maybe he had thought it was unsaid affection, not acted upon.

Somehow, Headquarters stayed standing after the Komurin of that day.


	2. Lou Fa

Their first interaction happened when they arrived from the battle of the Ark, and even if it had been brief, there had been a surprise in Lou Fa's eyes as Lenalee smiled at her, both feeling a certain comfortableness as two young women watching the silly boys. Lenalee had thought the small blush on the scientist's cheeks had been from Allen, but later, she would realize it had not been the case.

They met more often, as the Asian Branch helped Headquarters more. Lenalee would find Lou Fa sweet, and Lou Fa would feel she understood why Bak had a crush on Lenalee.

Lenalee had more than once offered reassurance to Lou Fa, noticing when the young woman would get uncertain of herself; but their relation changed the day Lou Fa saw Lenalee walk off from a room with a look that made the scientist's heart hurt.

She had followed, and Lenalee had stopped when she noticed, Lou Fa had hesitated but when teary eyes glanced her way, wide but hesitant and longing, Lou Fa had rushed the little distance that separated them to hug Lenalee.

Lenalee had almost crumbled into her arms there and then, but she gathered the strength to lead them to her room.

And it had been once Lenalee had calmed down, that she realized how much she loved the hand brushing her hair, the warmth close to her; it had been them both who realized how much they loved having the other in their arms.

That was the day they shared their first kiss, and the day that marked the start of their romance.


	3. Road

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It is left unsaid if Road has mentally played with Lenalee or not, but I do consider Road didn’t, meaning that Lenalee’s feelings are not planted by Road, but really Lenalee’s.  
> Still, if you are really sensitive to dub-con, Lenalee’s own thoughts can seem as if she is victim of manipulation, so be warned!

 As much as Lenalee's mind had not been there until Miranda's Time Record had healed her mind, she had always remembered the feeling of Road's hand brushing her cheek, the soft voice murmuring, such a pretty doll.

Lenalee felt Road had done it on purpose, and many times, she wondered wih a shiver of fear, if she had fully been released from the Noah of Dream's hold.  


Why else would she think more of this memory that should not be, rather than the fight that followed? Why else would she feel annoyance when Road kissed Allen's lips, the Noah's eyes meeting hers subtly after?

Oh, Lenalee had tried to tell herself it was because it was Allen, but she could not feel herself. She knew that she did not feel this way for him.

Tried as she might, Lenalee could not ignore the pang of sadness when Allen exorcised Tyki-or so they thought. She could not ignore how similar Road felt to herself, when she watched the apparent young girl grow dangerously protective, how she knew that if anyone harmed Komui, Lenalee could not deny for sure that her own reaction would not be unffiting for an Exorcist.

Maybe, Road had sensed that long ago. Maybe Road had seen Lenalee's mind better than Lenalee herself, seen all of it to destroy it better.

Maybe Lenalee's dreams that she could not share, that sometimes left her waking with her body still burning, were not quite dreams after all.


	4. No romance

Lenalee watched with amusement as Lavi once again tried to steal Allen's food, her gaze sliding to Kanda, her fork finding her mouth faster so she could take a bit and muffled the giggle she felt rising at the twitching eyebrow from the swordsman.

It did not help that Link looked like he both wanted to be out of here and to bonk Allen's head, or that Marie did it for him, not sparring Lavi either. Poor Miranda though, but Lenalee could see the amusement that made its way into the woman's gaze, just like Krory's hesitant look had a little smile with it.

Lenalee wished for more of these moments, of these days they could laugh and enjoy life, no matter how hard it was, no matter how they fought a war.

Sometimes, she felt blessed to have found so many people that she wanted close, that grew to be part of her world. She felt that she had earned more than she dared to hope for, and that was why Lenalee fought so hard.

She had so much, and she wanted to protect it, to keep it.

And sometimes, it amused her that the one thing her brother seem to fear most, was not part of her world.

Lenalee had wondered, at times, if her heart had swayed toward someone. After all, love could form whether someone wanted it or not, even in the middle of a war. Or maybe, even more so in the middle of war.

Yet, even when she knew some could have captured her heart, it did not happen. Whether it felt more platonic, or simply that it never developped past friendship, Lenalee simply did not find anyone who truly brought romance to her heart.

And Lenalee felt she didn't look for it, either. Whether she did have crushes, or it had been a desire for platonic closeness, she could not know. Whether it was because she did not feel it, or because she felt she did not need it, romance was not part of Lenalee's world.

Not because it was impossible, but simply because Lenalee held no desire to look for it.

Love was in her life anyway, not romantic, but no less meaningful. And that was all that mattered.


End file.
